As the Porter Likes It or O! Should I?

A place I fancy to visit on a weekly, often daily, occasionally hourly, basis is the jolly porter blog run by a gentleman who may very well be a scoundrel and has been known to eat cheese with many of a similar scoundrelessence. Previously, I have taken umbrage at his posting rate, noting that he sometimes goes for more than seven days without a post -- a criminal offense in several small towns to the south of San Jose, not including Tustin. At this time, however, my umbrage is even umbrager as I have noticed the headings on the right side of his blog, which now make use of the word "should." As in "You Should Listen to This" and "You Should Read These" and "You Should Name Your Children These Names." While only one of these phrases actually appears on the jolly porter's page, the message can be deciphered sans the aid of a handy compass: the jolly porter does not like the way you live your life. And that goes for me, too. The jolly porter is better than all of us and he has no qualms about telling us. Scoundrel indeed.

"I LIKE THESE SHOWS!" he proclaims without shame, caring little - nay - not at all for the shows we enjoy. "I RECOMMEND THIS MUSIC!" he proclaims with no regard for those of us who cannot whistle. "YOU'LL PROBABLY LIKE THESE MOVIES!" he assumes, knowing not our taste in movies whatsoever. This last statement proves the biggest offense as it not only assumes individual preference, but also affects an air of false modesty. We will "probably" like them. If we do not, though, then we are vagrant scum best left to chew on the rotting carcasses of road-bound varmits and spoiled berries. Twice the scoundrel, thrice the dastard.

Take heed gentle readers to be not swayed by this "jolly" porter who porters nothing but lies and gross insinuations. Latch your windows and bolt your doors. Feed your milk to canaries before the cat gets poisoned. Leash your children to the furniture lest they be taken in the brightest of daylight. The jolly porter is afoot and cares not whose opinions he decimates with the overpowering sibillance of his own imperious recommendations. His contemptous suggestions. His deceitful quest for power and superiority over us all.

And happy birthday to Thomas Jefferson, noted writer of letters who led a life of absolute beardlessness. And to sports card afficionado Samuel Beckett, who today would have celebrated one hundred three at his local Applebee's.