Richard the Ninth Sees His Shadow

Early one evening in the late part of March, Richard the Ninth awoke from a lengthy nap to find that the sun had shifted in the sky, thus confusing him and millions of others, undoubtedly. Richard the Ninth knew better, however, that the sun's movement was a grand conspiracy aimed solely at him and the other millions could go to rot for all the sun cared. He was well aware that the sun came not from nature but from a factory in an equatorial country.

Fashioned from gears, sprockets, spindles, and other assorted manufactured bits, the sun went into working order in the late part of the previous century. Before this people slept and woke by a giant candle that melted down to nothing every winter only to be replaced by another candle through a complex, ineffective pulley system most likely created by the Dutch.

The sun was a machine run by the hands of man and today it was toying with Richard the Ninth. Last he remembered, the sun had cast his shadow to the left, but now his shadow was to the right. Realizing the sun's game, Richard the Third decided to combat the shift by shifting himself three inches to the right. According to his abbreviated calculations and estimations, this would place his shadow just as it had been when sleep overtook him two hours prior. The shift proved ineffective, however, and Richard the Ninth cursed the sun machine beneath his breath.

This came as a surprise to Richard the Ninth as he had previously been in full control of his shadow and its multitudinous functions, ranging from useless to worthless and back again to feckless and ineffective. Realizing that his realization of the sun's game had been incorrect, Richard the Ninth retaliated with a shake of his fist and further mutterings beneath his breath. He had now deduced that the sun was attempting to inflict upon him the handicap of mirrordom. Thinking that his shadow had shifted from left to right, his brain would be duped into thinking that right was left and vice versa. Correct answers would be left. Departing friends would have just right. A best friend would be his left-hand man -- a moot point in the unamicable world of Richard the Ninth. Right is left and left is right and Richard the Ninth sat in the middle with a silent chuckle for he had deciphered the sun's scheme and lived to tell the tale.

An hour later, still dwelling in his silent gloat, Richard the Ninth found that his shadow had disappeared completely beneath the neighboring chaise. This angered Richard the Ninth to no end and led to various smackings of fist to palm and assorted creasings of his mouth and brow. With no alternative to wit, Richard the Ninth stepped outside and openly cursed the sun machine.

"Curses!" he exclaimed, with yet another wild pump of his fist to the sky. He picked up a rock and threw with all of his strength, sending the rock fifteen inches to the air and back down thirteen inches from his feet. He threw another rock and another and then a stick. A small pile of natural weapons amassed thirteen inches from Richard the Ninth's feet, but he felt the message was apparent. And soon he knew well that is was effective as the sun machine began to flee, going to hide behind the houses just past his own. He stopped throwing for many reasons, fatigue the most immediate, and watched in satisfaction as the sun machine set.

By the time the sky was dark and he no longer needed to fear the machinations and schemes of the sun and its controllers, Richard the Ninth had already wearied and fallen asleep in the road in front of his home. When he woke the next morning, the infernal machine had returned. Richard the Ninth bristled slightly, but could spare no further energy from the fatigue of throwing the previous day. He returned to his home and drew every shade, turned off every light, plugged every space that leaked the slightest bit of light.

Richard the Ninth created the grandest shadow he had ever known and dwelt in it for many days, knowing well that the sun machine watched and wretched at the ignominy of his actions. Victory through darkness and Richard the Ninth slept in the darkest world of all.