The Earliest Days of Richard the Ninth

         Having an exceedingly tall mother, Richard the Ninth was not born, but rather dropped from a great height.  He dangled for a time before a passerby noticed him, pointed, and proclaimed, "You've a baby 'tween your knees."  As skeptical as she was vertical, his mother ignored the proclaimer and continued on her way.  Later, while removing her shoes for bed, Richard the Ninth was discovered by his mother, cradled in a web of her shoelaces.  She was doubly surprised.  First, that she had been with child.  Second, that she had not worn loafers.  After a swift disentanglement, she named him Richard the Ninth and then set him in one of her shoes to sleep.  He obliged.

        Richard the Ninth found his early days an awful burden, terribly dull, and overwhelmingly tedious as his companions consisted mainly of crying babies.  They had no sense but to cry when they were hungry, when they had spoilage, and when they craved attention, the latter being most common.  Even as an infant, he found pride in never crying, screaming, whining, hollering, retching, cooing, or howling.  Often he even went days without blinking for fear of the noise.  Solitude and silence suited him best.  Richard the Ninth was presumed dead one hundred forty-seven times before his first birthday.