Except for Richard the Ninth

        The last time Richard the Ninth talked to a woman, she asked him to remove his trousers, scrutinized several parts of his body, and refused to prescribe him penicillin. Growing impatient, Richard the Ninth removed himself from her office and sat in the hallway for several hours. However, his trousers remained in the office. Due to a malfunctioning heating system, the propensity for cold in vinyl floor tiles, and a weak immune system, Richard the Ninth eventually found himself with a minor respiratory infection. He returned to the office to find another man under physical scrutiny and an even nicer pair of trousers than his own laying nearby. Richard the Ninth left the office shortly thereafter with a love note prescribing penicillin and another man’s trousers.

        Watching Richard the Ninth swim is considered a felony in most states. So much embarrassment cannot and will not be tolerated. For those attempting to do so, permanent blinding can be expected as well as an immediate evacuation of ingested materials. Please do not misunderstand. As intolerable as it may be, it is not the physique of Richard the Ninth that leads to such discomfort, but rather his form as a swimmer. Such butchery of the sport should be placed in a bottle and immediately smashed.

      Richard the Ninth loathes eating any food that could have belonged to someone else. He roams the aisles of stores, asking every item on the shelves whether they have been touched, eyed, prodded, groped, or price checked by any other curious shoppers. The food rarely responds. A dark day came for Richard the Ninth when he sought to outsmart the system by going into the fabled back of the store to ask for a box of his favorite cereal, a fibrous, flavorless concoction made in the Netherlands, only to find the store employees grabbing boxes and cartons and jugs and fruit from larger boxes and crates. His mind reeled at the realization that the food on the shelves of this market was touched, eyed, prodded, groped, and possibly price checked dozens of times before it ever reached his mouth. His illusion of virginal food shattered, Richard the Ninth immediately ran home. He thought maybe of fasting in protest. Instead, he opted for a more constructive route and began a small farm. He expects his first harvest in the next ten to fifteen weeks. The crop includes boxes of his favorite cereal and several jugs of Tang.