Richard the Ninth Goes On

       Richard the Ninth, a gem among pearls, had little sympathy for the lonely third guy. The one who stood perpendicular to his friend and the friend's girlfriend as they carried on with conversation and little consideration for the case of Lonely Third's observation, discomfort, and passive voyeurism. Richard the Ninth hoped never to be one of these Lonely Thirds and, so, avoided most all people, especially those with significant others. Furthermore, he observed very little, sought comfort everywhere, and became aggressively voyeuristic.

       While the early days of Richard the Ninth brought great shame to his family, as his productive capacity amounted to no more than filthy onesies, sporadic slobber, and constant attacks of silent mewling, he had reached an age where he brought only limited amounts of shame to his family. However, on the occasion of his fifteenth birthday, he sought a model of a boat shaped like a blue whale -- in his estimation, the deadliest whaling vessel of all. Not finding his birthday wish requited, Richard the Ninth fell into a vicious row with his mother, which led to combative conversation and the threat of a return to the devious activities of his infant life. An hour or so later, his threats proved fruitless and the rebellion dwindled as Richard the Ninth found himself parched, constipated, and thoroughly incapable of pure infantilism. Still sour, he ran away from home for seventy-three minutes.

        Richard the Ninth once wrestled a tiger into submission, hoping to find spiritual enlightenment. The battle lasted a quarter of an hour and brought great crowds from the world over. One man was heard to exclaim, "Not since the last time have I seen such a thing." A triumphant Richard the Ninth emerged some time later with his weakened arms raised to the heavens in exultation. Now, he thought through gasps of air, I will find an enlightenment of my spirit. It was not so. Instead, Richard the Ninth discovered a mouthful of synthetic fiber filling, faux fur in places unmentionable, and a lifetime ban from Coleman's Toy Shoppe. As an additional insult to his injuries, Mr. Coleman pinned a note to the pants of Richard the Ninth with strict instructions that the note was only to be removed by his mother. Richard the Ninth laughed knowing full well that his mother had not been able to reach his pants for several years.

         Believing himself immortal, Richard the Ninth drank a whole gallon of skim milk without taking a single breath. This led to a tumble, copious spilled milk, and a mild concussion. Through the new crack in his head, Richard the Ninth's blood began to co-mingle with the spilled milk, creating a stream of pink liquid across the kitchen floor. Once he came to and observed this, Richard the Ninth deduced that he had pink blood, which explained little to him outside of his predilection for pink frosted donuts and his assumption that he was a superbeing placed on earth to frighten all other beings into submission. The latter idea was reinforced when Richard the Ninth passes out a second time and awoke in his own bed, proof positive that he had powers of unconscious teleportation.